Not Her Best Move
by Nannalyn
Summary: Why did Donna decide not to come over without any explanation the night between 9x02 and 9x03? „The First Night Since" from her perspective.


The sun setting behind the sky-high buildings of Manhattan indicates that the day was coming to an end, prompting Donna to pack up her things after a long day at the firm. Samantha just left her office to go home and she was about to do the same. They had been seeing to some important matters and shared a drink afterwards, making use of the time for some girl talk. Phone in hand, she is about to call Harvey, when she pauses. The moment from earlier in the IT department comes back to the forefront of her mind as does the irritation that came with Harvey's reaction to what she had said. Why did he take her side when it was not what he believed? Did she make him feel like he had to do it?

_"You're just agreeing with Donna because you don't want her to be mad at you, now that you're in a relationship."_

Is it possible that Louis was right? They'd always been good at disagreeing with each other and she couldn't see why that should have changed now. So where did that come from?

She never would have taken Harvey for a yes-man. In fact, one of the things she'd always loved most about him was that he was the opposite of that: he was confident, decisive, independent, loyal and all the while always remained true to himself. All of those qualities also made him the successful lawyer that he is today. Siding with her on something even though he didn't agree, just because they're now together, wasn't the Harvey she knew. But then, the Harvey she'd witnessed since the night of the hearing hadn't stopped surprising her, albeit only in good ways.

She couldn't spend the night with Harvey without talking about it with him first. Thinking about the situation rationally, she knew it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but she felt like she wasn't able to do it. This new relationship with him meant more to her than anything, and she didn't know how he would react if she brought this up. She'd always loved him with everything she had, and now that all that love can finally run free, she doesn't want to be the reason for their first fight just yet. And she could only do her best to prevent that from becoming one if she had a clear head. Right now, though, she all but felt dazed because of Harvey "everything's changed" Specter most of the time, and irritated because of Faye Richardson's presence at the firm for the rest. Not a good mix when all you want to do is to talk about it seriously and without hurting the other.

Putting her phone into her coat pocket, she decides not to call him, because what would she say? "_Harvey, I can't come over tonight._"? There was no way he would buy that and he would definitely ask her why, and well, she obviously couldn't tell him without talking about it - the very thing she wants to avoid. It is a mess. Donna knows this isn't the solution, and she also knows that she isn't perfect; but she simply isn't ready for their bubble of newfound bliss to burst. It is an easy way out and right now she just wants to get home, take off her shoes and make herself a cup of tea. Besides, she had sent him a text earlier that he shouldn't wait for her, so it's not that she didn't talk to him at all, is it? Her head hurts just thinking about it all and it's already been a stressful day.

The last few days had really been a whirlwind. Not only had Harvey shown up at her door and come into her life in all the wonderful ways she only ever dreamed of, but the arrival of the Special Master had stirred up a lot of turmoil at the firm. It's been plenty to take in and deal with at once, and maybe some alone time is just what she needs. She hadn't been alone since Harvey and her got together, working on her own in her office or a quick shower not really giving her enough distance or time to reflect on everything that happened. Having a night to herself to let all of what had occurred properly sink in might get her back on track. And then she would talk to him.

* * *

Arriving at her apartment, Donna sees that Harvey had tried to call and left her a voice message. She takes a deep breath, trying to remember why she didn't want to see him that night. For a moment she couldn't imagine any reason why she wouldn't. Being with Harvey feels like being at home, no matter where that is. A feeling she'd never known before and one that she never thought life would offer her. She was still having moments in which it hit her that all of this was real and she figures, after all those years, it would take a while until she could fully grasp it. Being close to him makes her feel like time stands still, the world around them melting away with all its problems and challenges. They are with each other, and it's enough. While being in his arms, nothing else matters.

What definitely matters to her, though, is that they stay true to themselves in their relationship. Making a relationship work means, among other things, being honest with each other, and the freedom to compromise _and_ disagree with each other. They are still Donna and Harvey, just more in love than ever. Considering this, Donna knows that making a relationship work also means to be able to communicate. She knows she needs to talk to him and trust him with this, but she struggles. She usually doesn't hesitate to speak out whenever she thinks her perception of things could help solve an issue. But with Harvey, it's different. With Harvey, she can't see clearly. She'd noticed that early on. It had been one of his traits that immediately attracted her because it brought an added layer of mystery to him. He challenges her, and she loves to be challenged by him.

With a steaming hot cup of chai and a quickly prepared sandwich in her hands, she makes herself comfortable on her sofa. The spicy aroma of the beverage and the music she put on slowly filling the room and clearing her head. She'd decided not to listen to the voice message before the morning. If anything, it would make it even harder not to go to him, and she'd made her decision for the night. Taking a sip, the words from Louis enter her mind again:

_"You're just agreeing with Donna because you don't want her to be mad at you, now that you're in a relationship."_

The worst of it is that it reminds her of her older sister. As far as she had had the misfortune to witness, her sister managed to make all of her partners lose any sense of assertiveness and turned them into literal puppets. There was simply no way to sugar-coat it. It had always been an ordeal for her not to be able to say anything. Seeing how she'd always turned the men into the most convenient versions of themselves for her was plain infuriating. She'd tried to bring it up once or twice when an opportunity had presented itself, but her sister had reacted just how she'd expected she would; arrogant, in a know-it-all manner and not giving her the time of day. She'd promised herself, she would never let that happen in any of her relationships. These memories had left a bad taste in her mouth and they were probably the reason why she made such a thing out of it.

After she had eaten her sandwich, she tried to call Rachel. All the times she had opened up and had trusted her with something in the past, she had valued her advice and perspective on things, and she could definitely need that right now. When she hadn't picked up, though, she remembered Rachel and Mike had plans for the night as she told her the other day. She had contemplated calling her mom for a second, but then remembered she doesn't even know about her and Harvey yet, and this definitely wasn't how she'd wanted to tell her about it.

Feeling her eyes getting heavy, Donna was also starting to feel cold, the warming effect of the tea subsiding. She grabs a blanket and is suddenly hit by the memories of the past several days, where she hadn't needed that blanket to warm her up, because Harvey had taken care of that. After having dinner that he had cooked to make sure they were having something edible that night, they often had another glass of wine on her sofa before they headed for her bedroom. More often than not the glasses left unfinished because they were overcome by a totally different kind of thirst.

Deciding it's time to get some sleep, she carries the dishes into the kitchen to take care of in the morning and heads to bed. Listening to some calming music that often helps her unwind and fall asleep, she notices the commotion in her head had been slowly fading away and thus revealed one predominant thought: she misses Harvey; and not calling him had probably not been her best move. A feeling of regret starts to sneak up on her. However, this was all new for her too, she reminds herself, and she was trying. Still, she seriously considers for a moment to let everything be, get out of bed, grab the most important things and head over to his place when her eyes fall on the time. It is late and he was probably already sleeping and she wouldn't want to wake him. She felt stupid, it had been her decision not to call and talk about it directly and now she had to see it through. Spending that night alone _had_ helped, even though she still couldn't make any sense of Harvey's behaviour earlier. She knows that they would see each other tomorrow regardless. And if she can't bring herself to address it, she's sure that Harvey will ask her why she hadn't called back which would lead to the talk inevitably.

After the music stops playing, she turns off the lamp on her bedside table and tries to make herself more comfortable under the sheets; her bed feeling too big and empty without him. Since he had swept her off her feet the other day, they had spent every night together at her place, and now she finds she doesn't want to spend another night alone if she could help it. It would only be one night, she tells herself; tomorrow, she would fall asleep in his arms again. Thinking of that, she realises that she looks forward to spending some time at his place for a change and makes a mental note to remember it when they were going to plan their next evening together. After all, they had shared the majority of their most intimate moments in her apartment and it is time they made some at his place as well.

* * *

**A/N: After writing ****Harvey's night (_"The First Night Since"_) and later reading some reactions to that story, I couldn't stop thinking about Donna's perspective and what might have gone through her head during that time. With this fic, I am trying to explain her side of things and I hope I did her justice.**

**Thank you very much for reading! I would love to hear your thoughts! :)**

**A big shout-out to May (darveyscactus) for taking the time to be my beta while being away on vacation. And thank you to Nathalie (Evenstar1002), for everything. X**


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